Call in the guard

Breaking News-- Lawrence, Kansas
A state of emergency has been declared for the Adair household of Lawrence, Kansas. The National Guard has been called in the set up a perimeter to keep unsuspecting bystanders out. According to reports the floor of the kitchen has not been seen in some time, maybe as long as a week. Applying water to the afflicted area has made little impact on the situation. It is rumored that the baby terrorist Audrey is to blame. A spokesperson for the baby had this to say: "Audrey says it was her mother's fault and not hers. Apparently her mother gave her watermelon and mango for lunch." The baby herself could not be reached for comment. According to sources she was taking a relaxing soak to remove the sticky residue. Unsubstantiated reports indicate that if the situation is not resolved soon the Centers for Disease Control may step in. The CDC is confident that if called in it could help alleviate the problem with quarantine and containment. A search and rescue team is scheduled for tonight, after the baby is asleep. Stay tuned for updates.